The Ordinary Olympics
by somethingworthitall
Summary: It's Olympics time in Konoha and who really likes to watch people swim anyways? A few drunken bets, some YMCA, and well, the Olympics just got a lot more ordinary.
1. Let The Pain Begin

Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto, or the Olympics, yeah, you get the picture.

Author's Note: This story was written in honor of the Olympics, and if ping pong can be an Olympic sport, well then pretty much anything can.

Any attempts to place this anywhere on the timeline will be laughed at. Reviews are greatly appreciated; flames will provide me with endless amusement. )

Ordinary Olympics

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE CAN'T USE ANY JUTSU! ?" Naruto was yelling, again, his face a perfect picture of rage as he demanded answers, as if this time maybe they would decide that the whole idea was pretty lame anyways, and scrap it. The odds of that happening were fairly slim, mostly because Naruto was kind of amusing when he was angry like this.

"Well, it's simple, really." Kakashi explained, again. "If you use any jutsu at all, then you will be disqualified. No jutsu, no chakra, nothing, just yourself and your normal physical, and mental, abilities. No sharingan either, Sasuke." The dark haired uchiha made some kind of a noncommittal noise and returned to thinking dark thoughts about dark things about his brother.

Naruto was staring now, perhaps speechless, he just couldn't seem to get it into his head that he wouldn't be able to use any jutsu or chakra, or anything. "Well, that's, that's just, that's STUPID." He spat the word and sat down hard, arms folded.

Sakura was okay with it, really. She had no complaints, it would be interesting and probably educational, and besides, she wasn't about to pitch a fit like Naruto. "Naruto, you're so immature." She stated, rolling her eyes at him, and glancing quickly at Sasuke, to see his reaction. He didn't react, as usual, but that never seemed to stop her. Her attention then turned to Kakashi "What are the events going to be Kakashi-sensei?" She appealed, she might as well be prepared for whatever training exercise this was going to turn out to be.

"Okay, okay, I know we can't use any jutsu, but WHY are we going this?" Naruto butted in, still sitting, still folding his arms, still glaring.

That particular question put Kakashi in an interesting position, see it would be kind of awkward to explain that it all had to do with himself, Gai, Jiraiya, a couple of the elders, a few lost bets, and some sake. "Because it's good for you." He answered, Sakura's question was far more manageable anyways. "The Ordinary Olympics will include rock, paper, scissors, thumb wrestling, arm wrestling, a sack race, an egg and spoon race…that's all I know for now."

"THUMB WRESTLING!?" Naruto was angry again.

"Yes, Naruto, thumb wrestling." Underneath his mask, Kakashi was smiling, because this was, at the very least, going to be interesting.

The opening ceremony was quite a spectacle. The torch had been carried around the village, and only one shop had caught fire (Naruto was still mourning the fact that the ramen shop would be closed for rebuilding for a week). Now the flame was burning in a rather hastily erected firepit of sorts.

Someone had decided that a sing-along would be a good idea, it had been part of some drunken bet somewhere along the way. So, it was only fitting that the song leader be made just as thoroughly drunk as Konoha was capable of making him.

"IN THE NAVY!" Jiraiya hiccup-screamed in a key never heard before by human ears. No one was singing along, but that didn't seem to bother him much. After a third rousing rendition of YMCA, he was not so gently escorted off the stage.

The hokage took the stage to cheers and a rather resounding silence from the ninja who weren't quite certain if they were up the humiliation planned for them. " Welcome to the first ever Konoha edition of the Ordinary Olympics!" More not entirely coherent cheers and another blasted warble of how much fun it was to stay at the YMCA from the toad sage, and the crowd quieted again. "The rules are simple, no jutsu, no chakra. There will be two age categories, chunin and below, and jonin and above. " Now there was some rustle in the ninja crowd, seeing as how the jonin and above part was news to , well, pretty much everyone jonin and above. " We will start bright and early tomorrow with Rock, Paper, Scissors. Chunin and below will compete first, report at dawn for your opponent name draw. Each eventwill have a gold, silver, and bronze shuriken awarded for the winners. May the best ordinary Olympian win."


	2. Rock, Paper, and Running With Scissors

Author's Note: OMG CHAPTER TWO HAS ARRIVED.

Dedication: To Caliko, for tolerating, supporting, and bugging('cause we both know I'd never get it done otherwise) me in all my fanfiction. Thanks, buddy, you're awesome. )

Rock, Paper, and Running with Scissors

Jiraiya's first thought was that it was probably not the best idea to think. Something horrible had happened during the night, his head had gotten smaller or his brain had gotten bigger, something that was definitely going to require help from Tsunade, if he could figure out how to stand up. Standing was hard, his legs no longer seemed to be attached to his body, they had probably abandon him in an effort to escape from his exploding head. He heard a rustle nearby, and decided that calling for help might be the best idea.

"MEDIC!" He screamed, which was probably the worst idea he'd had in a long time. The sound sent a horrific pain all throughout his already aching head, sending him into something just this side of a seizure as he tried to find a position that alleviated the raging headache. The fetal position seemed to help, though it did nothing for his dignity when it was Kakashi that emerged hovering above him with that stupid you-can't-tell-I'm-smiling-but-my-eye-looks-happy expression of his. Stupid one-eyed mask boy, he'd punch him if only he could remember which way was up.

"I need Tsunade." Jiraiya whispered, which still sounded about twice as loud as he had been singing the night before. Kakashi disappeared, which seemed like a good thing, off to fetch the help that the toad sage needed. When an ice cold cascade of water nearly drown him, Jiraiya realized that today was not going to be a good day.

Instead of Kakashi, this time it was that damn kid, Naruto, grinning from ear to ear. He giggled. " Good morning pervy sage!" The kid was screaming loud enough to wake the entire village. Before Jiraiya had the chance to inform the kid just exactly how good of a morning it was, the Hokage arrived, showtime.

"Your opponents have been drawn for you, and are available at the official desk." He motioned to a tree stump nearby. " The rules for rock paper scissors are as follows: you will say: rock paper scissors, shoot. On shoot you must have your choice out, any delay and you will lose. The winner will be based on best two out of three. Maybe the games begin!"

The chunin and below age division was up first. For the most part, the unenthusiastic drone of "rock, paper, scissors, shoot" was all that filled the air. Jiraiya was quietly pleading with everyone within barely audible whisper range to quiet down before his brain starting leaking out his eyes.

"THAT IS TOO A ROCK!" Came a scream from Choji.

"It is too flat to be a rock." Replied Rock Lee, who certainly should know what rocks look like. He was holding his perfect scissors hand in an accusatory fashion at Choji. "You have lost this round, Choji."

"GO LEE!!" Screamed Gai, who was positioned unfortunately close to Jiraiya, who crumbled back to the ground, crying softly to himself.

Choji was sent off to sulk with his food in a corner, glaring angrily at Lee who was patiently awaiting his next opponent. Another fight was breaking out down the way.

"GARRA! LET HINATA GO! THERE IS NO JUTSU ALLOWED IN THE ORDINARY OLYMPICS!" The sand in question slithered away from Hinata's terrified form reluctantly. The rest of the rounds went without incident, except when one of Shino's bugs was squashed by an overly exuberant Sakura as she won her round by smashing his scissors with her rock. In the end it was Shikamaru with the gold, Sakura with silver, and Kiba with the bronze. Naruto was grumbling about how these weren't really tests of any skill at all and how angry he was that Sasuke beat him, and how Sasuke must have cheated. As usual, Sasuke really didn't care.

In the meantime, Jiraiya had decided that the best possible way to relieve his drinking headache was by drinking more. One drink had taken the edge off, but about eight, or was it twelve, drinks later, he was feeling great. He swayed like a coconut in a hurricane as he stared down his opponent with what he hoped was a menacing glare. "Beeee carrreful youngman, " He slurred in the general direction of Kakashi. "I'll haveyouknow that I am one of thelegendary SANIN." He announced, hiccupping at the end for effect. He was, needless to say, a rather poor competitor, since his hands just could not seem to make the appropriate movements. His rock, paper, a scissors were generally a jumbled hybrid resulting from his brain not being entirely certain which one was the best option, and deciding that all of them would probably suffice. He was carted away, merrily singing Village People songs all the way, and since hybrid rock, paper, scissors had worked out so great, he decided that singing several songs at once would be good too. The last heard from Jiraiya for the day was a frightening rendition of Macho Men 

Love to Stay In The Navy. The jonin and above rounds progressed rather quickly, with few major incidents, except Gai, who was furious to discover that he had lost and would not be facing his all time rival in mortal combat. Just how exactly he had imagine that rock, paper, scissors could progress to the mortal level, no one was exactly certain. One fight was a forfeit, because Hyate simply couldn't stop coughing long enough to say the words. Orochimaru had been left out of the rounds, not having functioning arms made it pretty difficult to play such a game, so he sulked on the sidelines with Kabuto, who hadn't been allowed to compete because no one was really sure just exactly where he fit anyways. Ibiki was the champion, followed by Kakashi, and Genma took third to round out the first day of the Ordinary Olympics.

Jiraiya was listed as the only casualty of the day, but he didn't really care. He was happily entertaining the nurses in the hospital; singing about lovely bunches of coconuts and the electric slide. Everyone head off to sleep, with the exception of Naruto, who felt the need to eat copious amounts of ramen to take the edge off his misery. Tomorrow was going to be a big day. Tomorrow was thumb wrestling day. The medics were already preparing the thumb splints and wrist supports for the inevitable injuries.


End file.
